Simple forgetfulness

I am sure that no one is reading any longer, because the posts have been so few and far between since the summer began, and you may chalk it up to (in pure Tianna fashion) FORGETFULNESS.

It's not that there isn't anything happening, there's actually quite a bit going on. Posting blogs has just not been on my mind.

For photos of how I've been spending my summer, check out facebook.

Some quick updates though:
I got my house (got the keys today! Yippee!). No more moldy apartment! Calling in all favours to help paint and move my STUFF....

My wasted heart is no longer wasted. I confronted, I reflected, I did what I had to do, and I moved on.

Feels great!

I am still nervous about grad school in the fall (fear of the unknown) but I've got my face in the newspaper.... A journalist wanted to interview me, Dad, and Evan because we are all doing the MPhil.

Check out the link below for the full story.

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A good friend told me last winter that I was an incredibly strong person. Lately, I've started to believe him.

And that's good.


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Here's the link:
(You may have to copy and paste it).

http://www.mun.ca/arts/graduate/familyaffair.php

The most fun you can have by yourself

Is apparently writing (according to Terry Pratchett anyway), whose books I've been reading of late.

Particularly, Small Gods, which has struck a chord with me. But I will save the rant on organized religion at this point...

Suffice to say, many of the statements made in this novel made me smile, and say, "I am not alone in my thinking after all!"

In any case, no, I have not fallen off the face of the earth. Quite the contrary actually. I am not so vain as to think that you are checking on a regular basis just to see what I have to say, hanging off my every word, but if you are, I apologize for my negligence. But if you know anything about me, you know it's simply par for the course. I have become sodden with the every day routine of kiddies, relatives and simple ho hum boredom.

Nothing has lit a spark to encourage that poetic side of me.

However tonight I went to listen to an old friend sing at a local bar. Her words struck me, haunted me, reverberated in my brain, and made me want to write.

I am at this point listening to her cd, which I purchased before leaving.

"All the ladies dance and swoon to the war bride's tune".....

And thinking of that (of whom?) which *(whom) I do not dare mention here, because mainly I am chicken to open up completely in such a public fashion, but yes, still hovers around and muddles my thoughts, and confuses me, and both hurts and enures me to pain. Does that make sense? If it does, please tell me, because it certainly doesn't for me.

Two nights ago I had "the hag". Anyone who grew up around Newfoundland understands that this is a particularly frightening form of nightmare in which you wake in the middle of it, but your body is completely paralyzed. You are stone, except for your eyes, and the terror that fills you. You feel you are awake, but have absolutely no way of moving or comforting yourself, and whatever was terrifying you in your dream lingers to frighten you that much more, while you are awake.

It was the second time in my life this has happened.

The first time was in 1999. In the middle of the day, when I had dozed off. I still remember it clearly.

The terror has not receded much.

So, needless to say, my sleep has not been that great for the past couple of days. Makes me kinda nervous to close my eyes.

Yes, I am a chicken.

No more excuses

Well, here it is the 18th of July, and I no longer have any reasonable excuses as to why I haven't been writing.

At first, when we arrived in town, there was the usual hectic pace of trying to get everything sorted out. As well (for a short-lived period) I was a blooming socialite with more dates on my calendar than one person can reasonably manage. I am not bragging, just rather taken aback by it all.

However, things are settling at this point, and I find myself wasting mindless hours on Facebook. So, if I'm going to be staring at a computer screen, I might as well be doing something that is (somewhat) worthwhile.

It's just that I seem to be devoid of ideas at this point.

I am past the excitement of being here.

I am no longer "just back" (i.e. the invites out are lessening).

And I still feel my heart is wasted....(still not willing to explain further).

I have recently reconnected with an old friend, and am now in the sticky situation of trying to figure out a way to tell him I'm not into him "that way". He's a lovely man, and I know he thinks the world of me. He's wanting to make all these plans (with the kids) and my mind is screaming, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, this is a repeat of last summer!"
**For those of you who are not familiar, last summer I became involved in a somewhat brief relationship (thankfully) in which the man became TOO enamoured with me, and asked me to marry him within weeks.....needless to say, I found my way out of that one pretty quickly. He didn't take it well. But yes, I still am, and most likely always will be, a commitment-phobic person. That particular proposal was number 4. Yes, many psychiatric specialists would love to get a hold of me.

But I digress.

The current man is one from many years ago (as in predates my hair experimenting.....so what is that? Fifteen years ago?)

But I've never been one to go back (usually). There is a reason why such people are in your past.

"I have been a selfish being my entire life" (Austen) and I recognize the fault in myself. However, I have my life, and I am just not willing to share more than I am comfortable with anyone.

Which, given that this writing is done in a fairly public fashion, is at odds with this practice.

However, I'm rambling at this point, and therefore bid you goodnight.

muddling through

This posting may well be a little confusing, but that would be appropriate for my state of mind as of late.

On the one hand, I am energized and excited to be back in the city I consider home. There have been the normal snafus, and that was expected, and that is ok. I am having a fabulous time reconnecting with the city I love, and meeting up with old and new friends.

However on the other hand, there are still some trepidations.

I know this move was the right thing to do. I am nervous to enter grad school in the fall, but it is the same nervousness that was present for the B ed, the BA, and even highschool way back when....

But my wasted heart feels that I have left behind something important. And that confuses me. I am not really prepared to go into further detail in such a public fashion. I just need to sort this thing out in my brain, and the way to do it (I think?!?) is through placing words on my screen. Hmmm.

A Dream Realized...

I shall save the recounting of the adventures during our trek across the island for a late night posting. However I just wanted to note that for my daughter, this has been a stellar day.

We took the tandem bike out today to explore the new neighbourhood, and made our way to Victoria Park. I had forgotten just how steep the hills are in St. John's, but very quickly remembered while pulling the kids back home (uphill).

On the way home, Eden spotted several butterflies. One particular gorgeous yellow, black and blue one was perched on a bunch of grass just at her eye level. She asked me to stop the bike so she could have a closer look. Not only did it go on her finger, but it crawled up and down her arm , into her hair, on her back, and all over her belly before making its way back to her finger. It was like finding out you've won $2000 and then realizing it's $2000000. The walk home was worth it to see the beaming smile on her face.

It even went on Connor's hand before he shrieked and shook it back on the ground. Then Eden ever so gently picked it up and placed it back in the grass.

At times like that, I truly believe she will be an entomologist.

I have always battled between the dichotomy of straight and narrow and rebelliousness.

On the one hand, I have followed the set path, and done what is expected of me.

On the other, I have done whatever has struck my fancy at the time.

As I am packing my belongings, I am thinking of this. It is interesting, to say the least, to pack, while totally s$%#faced.

Cindy is home.

I am not in any way, blaming my drunkenness on anyone but myself.

But with that said, Cindy and I got together tonight and recollected, while watching movies with her husband and parents. There were many, “But just one more.”

Uncle Lester gave me a ride home, and I reminded him what it is like to live without adult companionship…

And so, I take a break from boxing my belongings, and there are many backspaces as I mistype, and rethink what I have already typed.

Seems fitting.

I’ll have that with a side of crow....

Well, it seems that I was a bit premature with my contemptuous report last evening.

Said friend was quite pleased with the gift. Thanked me quite eloquently. Showed friends.

Perhaps there is hope for my faith in humanity after all. Perhaps.

To serve its purpose

As I have previously mentioned (several times), this is a therapeutic practice for me. And there is something I need to shed.

I grabbed a quote from Dad's blog, and placed it on my MSN tagline today. "People behave as they are. Embrace what you actually get." Epictetus. That pretty much sums it up.

I recently poured my heart and soul into a very thoughtful gift for a friend, despite the fact that the friendship has been somewhat strained of late. I still wanted the friend to have the gift, because I felt that they deserved it. A way to mend fences, so to speak.

So when I presented this gift to said friend, I got a muttered, "Thanks", as it was tossed in a bag.

That was it.

I expected some sort of contact later, once they had a chance to see what it actually was, and realized that I've spent three months (no exaggeration) producing it.

But nothing.

I didn't expect much. I just wanted some affirmation that I haven't wasted the past three months.

But apparently I have.

I am striving, with great difficulty, to avoid cynicism. But, to poorly quote Austen, the more I know of the world, the more I am convinced that I shall always be disappointed by people.

Nearing the finish line

There really is a guilty pleasure in goofing off at work. I will attempt a justification by saying that literally all of my work is complete. That is the nature of a contract job. My exams are corrected and passed in. My final marks are compiled and put into the system (plus a hard copy passed in to the secretary). My ISSP reports are finished and duly filed. My office is straightened up, and the books and reports are neatly left on the desk for whoever fills my place in September.

There is nothing left to do but wait to hear the dulcet notes of that corpulent woman….

I even offered to help teachers finish up what they are doing, and no one needed any help.

I think this is the first time in my life that I am AHEAD of schedule (I’m at work until Friday). At least tomorrow there is the awards assembly.

I should have taken a book.

Who would have thought that I would come to work and have absolutely nothing to do? (Before I start getting too many emails begging for my laid back job, send me a note asking what exactly I’ve had to endure for the past several months). Really, a couple of slack days do not counterbalance that ordeal.

So with all of this said, I am sitting at the computer honing my craft, while the rest of the teachers are scrambling to finish year end work. Tee hee.

a meandering night

At this point there in not much to report, but I started this blog with the intention of continuing with my writing as a therapeutic action, and therefore am forcing myself to write SOMETHING, just to go through the process. Admittedly it is not much better than mushy tripe, but it will still serve its intended purpose.

It hit me today that I only have ten days left until I move to St. John's. And for someone who is looking forward to this move very much, I have not prepared for it with much zeal... I will forego the list of what is left to be done. Suffice to say, I've got a great deal of packing to do, and all the technical stuff to take care of yet.

So with that in mind, I began packing this evening. I managed three whole boxes before putting it down to come zone out in front of the screen.

It'll get done after school closes.

Speaking of which, I'm going to prom! Wow! It's my fourth prom. (And first as a teacher). I hadn't really intended to go, but had so many students ask, that I was compelled to relent. It will most likely be an awkward event (given my current situation), and I figure I'll get a couple of pictures then cut out early.

So, look forward to the weekend when I can give an update, and possibly a picture or two (I will be dressing up for the event, that will be noteworthy in and of itself).

Goof night (I realize the typo. Thought it fitting to leave it there).

Butterfly Adventures

I have a daughter, who quite some time ago, informed me that she wants to be an entomologist when she gets bigger. I don't doubt it. Since she was able to grasp small objects, she was picking up insects and chasing her brother with them. Perhaps this is why my son is so afraid of insects?

In any case, my father and I decided to take a trip to Deer Lake today, so we could visit the Insectarium, which is complete with a Butterfly Pavilion. Eden was in her glory. The unfortunate part is that her other interest is ballet. Earlier this spring I bought her an "Angelina Ballerina" video. She was grateful, especially when it turned out that one of the episodes was all about Angelina having a pet butterfly, which landed on her finger.... so my child went to the Pavilion ready for her dream to come true. A butterfly was going to land on her, and she would name it Henry, and he would love her forever.

Do you realize how unlikely it is that a very fragile butterfly will land on a patiently waiting three year old, when there is another three year old running up, screaming "Aaarrgh!"? Every time one would come close, something would happen to frighten it away. Most often, that something was Connor. Of course, they were swarming me. I thought about it later. Perhaps it was the bright, floral print blouse I was wearing.




That is not to say that a butterfly didn't land ANYWHERE. As this picture will attest, there is no accounting for some taste, even that of of a creature from the lepidoptera family. Needless to say, Eden was not impressed that she couldn't get one to land on her finger, and yet it would choose this particular perch. The funny thing was, we tried everything to get the poor creature (who obviously has no nasal faculties) to fly away, but it was determined. Just as we admitted defeat, and Dad was going to get the curator's help, the pitiful thing (yes, it is to be pitied, mainly for it's complete lack of judgement) flew away.

All in all, it was a pretty fabulous day. The twins had a wonderful time, we had a few laughs, and I eventually managed to placate Eden (for a few minutes) by finding a couple of butterflies by the entrance and letting her put her finger next to them.

But don't worry, those of you familiar with her personality will fully realize this ploy would not be enough. For twenty minutes after we got back in the truck, she moaned over the fact that we had driven ALL the way to the Insectarium, only to leave without a butterfly landing on her finger.

Below are a couple of more shots from the day. Once she gets over the disappointment, I am sure Eden will have fantastic memories.

You may wish to click on the link to Dad's blog, to get his version of the events. I still disagree with his opinion that this is hard proof his butt smells like roses....but to each their own.


We got them to sit for a few seconds under the premise that if they sat quietly, there would be a better chance of a butterfly landing on them.


















Watching a video on crickets. Connor was more interested in checking out the runner lights along the floor.








This is by the entrance to the main building. The colors of the beetles are so varied and bright!











The butterflies were really worth seeing. There was a special room with a display window where they could come out of the chrysalises. The curator would then bring them to the Pavilion. They were all over the place. We got to see a couple that were just born minutes before. It was absolutely beautiful.

Last Sunday

Well, Dad may not be impressed that I've beat him to the punch, but I have decided to upload some pictures from our stay in Barachois Brook last weekend. He specifically asked me for the pictures, which I suspect were to be placed on his blog, and I already have emailed them to him, but here we are. In my defense, I will say that I will put up some different pictures, and leave the man to put up those I have passed along.

In this shot are my two chilren, Connor and Eden, who were having a grand time exploring the field and garden. I couldn't help but think back to when I was their age and exploring those very same fields...

We couldn't believe how hot it was on Sunday. On the 10th of June, we were swimming in the ocean (and of course I forgot to take my camera, so those of you who were not in the area may not believe that it was actually warm enough to do so). But here's an idea, the above shot was taken 8:30 in the morning and it was already 20 degrees.

We were on our way to the hammock when I came across this spider web in the grass. Thought it would make an interesting shot.

So all in all, it was a pretty fabulous day. We spent the greater part of it on the beach, we had a fire (during which time, just as much marshmallow ended up in Eden's hair as in her mouth), and we all made it back home fairly exhausted, as can be seen in the following shot...

Upon my arrival...

For those of you who are already familiar, I have been under a great amount of stress of late. And since I have always found writing to be very therapeutic for me, I have decided to enter the world of blogging.

This site will mainly be dedicated to whatever musings happen to be on my mind in the late evening. Typically, it could well be a run down of my day, since that is likely what I am trying to shed off in the late hours of the night. Through this exercise, I hope to gain some peace of mind, and perhaps learn how to sleep again.