No more excuses

Well, here it is the 18th of July, and I no longer have any reasonable excuses as to why I haven't been writing.

At first, when we arrived in town, there was the usual hectic pace of trying to get everything sorted out. As well (for a short-lived period) I was a blooming socialite with more dates on my calendar than one person can reasonably manage. I am not bragging, just rather taken aback by it all.

However, things are settling at this point, and I find myself wasting mindless hours on Facebook. So, if I'm going to be staring at a computer screen, I might as well be doing something that is (somewhat) worthwhile.

It's just that I seem to be devoid of ideas at this point.

I am past the excitement of being here.

I am no longer "just back" (i.e. the invites out are lessening).

And I still feel my heart is wasted....(still not willing to explain further).

I have recently reconnected with an old friend, and am now in the sticky situation of trying to figure out a way to tell him I'm not into him "that way". He's a lovely man, and I know he thinks the world of me. He's wanting to make all these plans (with the kids) and my mind is screaming, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, this is a repeat of last summer!"
**For those of you who are not familiar, last summer I became involved in a somewhat brief relationship (thankfully) in which the man became TOO enamoured with me, and asked me to marry him within weeks.....needless to say, I found my way out of that one pretty quickly. He didn't take it well. But yes, I still am, and most likely always will be, a commitment-phobic person. That particular proposal was number 4. Yes, many psychiatric specialists would love to get a hold of me.

But I digress.

The current man is one from many years ago (as in predates my hair experimenting.....so what is that? Fifteen years ago?)

But I've never been one to go back (usually). There is a reason why such people are in your past.

"I have been a selfish being my entire life" (Austen) and I recognize the fault in myself. However, I have my life, and I am just not willing to share more than I am comfortable with anyone.

Which, given that this writing is done in a fairly public fashion, is at odds with this practice.

However, I'm rambling at this point, and therefore bid you goodnight.

muddling through

This posting may well be a little confusing, but that would be appropriate for my state of mind as of late.

On the one hand, I am energized and excited to be back in the city I consider home. There have been the normal snafus, and that was expected, and that is ok. I am having a fabulous time reconnecting with the city I love, and meeting up with old and new friends.

However on the other hand, there are still some trepidations.

I know this move was the right thing to do. I am nervous to enter grad school in the fall, but it is the same nervousness that was present for the B ed, the BA, and even highschool way back when....

But my wasted heart feels that I have left behind something important. And that confuses me. I am not really prepared to go into further detail in such a public fashion. I just need to sort this thing out in my brain, and the way to do it (I think?!?) is through placing words on my screen. Hmmm.

A Dream Realized...

I shall save the recounting of the adventures during our trek across the island for a late night posting. However I just wanted to note that for my daughter, this has been a stellar day.

We took the tandem bike out today to explore the new neighbourhood, and made our way to Victoria Park. I had forgotten just how steep the hills are in St. John's, but very quickly remembered while pulling the kids back home (uphill).

On the way home, Eden spotted several butterflies. One particular gorgeous yellow, black and blue one was perched on a bunch of grass just at her eye level. She asked me to stop the bike so she could have a closer look. Not only did it go on her finger, but it crawled up and down her arm , into her hair, on her back, and all over her belly before making its way back to her finger. It was like finding out you've won $2000 and then realizing it's $2000000. The walk home was worth it to see the beaming smile on her face.

It even went on Connor's hand before he shrieked and shook it back on the ground. Then Eden ever so gently picked it up and placed it back in the grass.

At times like that, I truly believe she will be an entomologist.